wumingxing

…i go figure how i began to remember that i ones had a stake that i just let slip and drift with one darned most regretted phrase that ended it all…

it wasn’t more of a stake i guess…it was more of a moment-to-prove something… but i screwed up…complete disaster. it wasn’t actually a chance of a make or break so i doubt if it was really a stake i missed. it was more likely to appear as though it was a break or break scenario.. and as i said, i screwed up…

there is nothing more regretting than doing unexpectedly what you don’t actually mean at all… it is like accidentally cutting your throat and the best enemy you can get is making up… and comes with it is the time you missed just for making up… so don’t blow off anything so special? is that what i actually mean? i really don’t get it… just like saying i don’t get myself at all… May be the stars are just too faint to exclude rationality behind their sparkle? or perhaps the slipper on the street lost its pair haphazardly it serves no use, even to the street where it sleeps… do you think that screwing up on something so important and delicate and precious (or someone perhaps in some instance) is like blowing off a party balloon? or spilling the whole Starbucks Coffee just right after you took it from the receiving counter?…

or everything means just missing a past you don’t wanna let go? or shall we say, plainly so difficult to let go..?

or is it all about a chicken crossing a street ending up flying after the big honk… i don’t understand…

I… every single moment and every single passion is just never the same anymore or shall i say, will never be the same again… there are things i missed so much badly which most of the time makes me damned wanting them really really hard back… but the grasp is just so out of reach all i can do is stare at the memories of the fading passions and bitter-sweet smiles i once had…

1) I miss ice dream hopping…

2) I miss sunset carpark…

3) I miss my best friends…

4) I miss playing bowling… (darn bowling is expensive here)

5) I miss going to the movies…

6) I miss studying and making projects

7) Oh i miss videoke…

I miss sleeping in a queen-sized bed

9) I miss the color yellow and red too

10) i miss writing poems but i my hands seemed drawn back from the pen since i lost my ntbk with 73 poems made for 4 years. I missed writing in general that my mind says "write", but my hand says "later"

11) I miss Coffee Break, afriques, lady butterfly, UP meal, JD Cafe, Cafeteria, Mushroom beside RHA and my old Boarding House.

12) I miss the Lost Sheep, their dog, their shepherd and bentot

13) I missed the dog named Ghastie

14) I missed SM Iloilo

15) I missed cooking and dancing (lots of dancing)

16) I miss SM Meals and Rob Meals

17) I missed staring at the stars darned there are no stars here in the metro…*pissed* lol…

That might be all for now… but the desperation of getting hold of them each day is plain excrutiating…

Happy memories can most of the time make us cry…

I usually catch myself staring at anything in front of me ablank, deeply at a thought of many things that has gone my way (well maybe for the past days, weeks, months, years) Indeed, people hold on so much to memories because one thing is for certain, they never change when everything else seems to do so… i would always say, everything is so different now.. new stage, new lifestyle, new people (whom i seem to consider too uncertain to rightfully get along with well… for how long?), new priorities, new dreams… but there is nothing new to the memories of the bitter and sweet past especially when the memory you once held so dearly was a past you wer once so addicted to… the Happy thoughts sometimes can really make you cry… a mixture of a cry for happiness and a cry for hope, that sometime somehow, you are desperately hopeful for a comeback of the wonderful old times… thinking and feeling of which just simply kills me so badly…

I would usually stare ablank to whatever is in front of me including my laptop, as if waiting for it to talk to me, pat my cheek and howl at me "Hey day dreamer…"  What pains me most are the times when i thought i have done my best, given my all and risked everything despite dangerous uncertainty, when i thought everything was smooth and progressive, i found myself alone at the edge of the cliff, hanging, scared and grasping for anything that can hold me and bring me to safety…

Sometimes when we feel everything seemed just right and forever, we tend to close our eyes and feel the swift breeze of the cool air and never bother who, what and where we are and our company… and sometimes too, when we open our eyes, we find ourselves nowhere, anywhere and we are left alone by everything without a clue… and so we drown, we tear or fall hard, or be in terrible comma because of a car crash or worst, crash and die on the spot… we get torn and we’re left unaided…

Memories form the whole of us. I even think they are us… And we can never escape from them no matter how hard we try to forget everything nor even try to be over anything… it will always be somewhere there within you/us and if it won’t kill, at least it would make you sometimes think that "Once there was…" and most of the time we stretch the phrase with "… and i wish it will…"

The thoughts playing in my mind are sometimes quite weird while staring ablank although i have to be honest that not all the pen scribbles are thoughts from a first hand experience… they are a mixture of fantasies and realities or a combination of both… like what i wrote today… i don’t even know which one is fantasy… but then, it makes me think "What if?"… oh i love thinking…

Happy memories can most of the time make us cry… sure they do!

a friend in her blog ones wrote about her childhood musings…indeed, life is heavy because we forget (admit it, it’s most of the time if not always) to see the lighter side of it such as the bright sunrise, the dramatic sunset, even the soothing droplet of rain and rustling of summer leaves… even just the laugh of the kids playing with tin cans on streets… in a world of busy people in busy streets and busy lifestyles, what really amazes me is that people also actually come and go (very fast it seems) but people who has touched you even without a word or two with you, can actually last a lifetime (in our hearts’ memory)… now it makes me think, how much more with friends who has shared bits of them (some even a whole of them) can last longer (forever so to speak) as part of you, a part of the pieces of you… sometimes, we neglect the fact that a smile from a stranger has actually made the whole day’s mess ironed out… and a touch of the morning breeze made us realized that we are still alive… we have been so preoccupied with everything but ourselves and the things that make life so perfectly light… now try this: try to figure out how would everyone including you, think why is he/she really is… i mean wonder why that you,(your self actually) is really you and not others… try to figure out why not anybody looks exactly like you nor acts like you nor speaks like you nor poops like you(you got your own style i bet)… in this way we appreciate the existence of you and the others around you, meaning us!… (BamBam Desabelle, credits to you for having me write this on the spot)

basically im really not a blogger… in the 1st place, i really have nothing so significant to share that would create an impact on other people… but then to practice my once credible writing prowess way back late 90’s, i started ticking on the keyboards and there it goes — a blog of my own.

oh well, what do i want to say in here? hmmm, it’s pretty much difficult to think about something to talk about when what’s in ones mind is all work and work… and speaking of work, it is not until you get to earn on your own that you get to count (literally) every cent of your money… it makes you really CONSCIOUS of your spending habits because the money that you shell out comes from your very own sleepless nights and tiresome days…

Let me talk about the professional life… it’s really far different from school life although it is a school by itself… when we chat in school, its all about crushes, assignments, classroom jealousies, horrible and funny professors and night out activities… here, what you would hear are infidelities, professional jealousies, power grabbing, marriage plans,  pay day plans and boss’ lifestyles… the only concrete common ground for both worlds as far as i am concerned which is really very prominent is - DEADLINES! School is actually a good training ground for beating deadlines. I commend my alma matter for the "hellish" deadline requirements way then… it really helps… lolz…

The professional life is focused not only to pass the subjects or to get good grades… it’s more of thinking how to sustain your job and how to feed your self (well, if not your stomach then probably your fetishes and vices perhaps? hahaha) every month so basically that is the big difference… it is more of looking forward on how to better earn money and not just grades, to save something for the plans you have in mind for the future… so apparently the bottomline is, our perspective gets to be less broad and more serious… goodbye tweetums and pa-cute days… probably that is why we get to grow old really fast when we are already working because the word "carefree" bounds out of our vocabulary…

So much for today’s blog, my point in here is that, while still in school, be as young as you can, carefree as you can…. enjoy every bit of friendship… most good long lasting friends are college friends so make a firm foundation from them… and most of all, have all the fun you can think of (so long as it wouldn’t harm you of course) because life out here is a different fun… not as fun-filled as it was when we were school-kids… and as for those who are working now, let’s plan our life accordingly and let’s all remember that life is meant to be enjoyed… after all, life is naturally difficult… so take it lightly otherwise, you would waste your life before you could have realized it… Cheers to 2007.. a new year to Start! AJA!!!

i was lying on my bed yesterday looking at the
back braces of the bed above mine when suddenly
i thot, “tomorrow, il be 22!” when we turn 21, its
just as if we say, oh great im officially an adult….
seemingly carefree and young…. but its not until
you turn 22 when you realize that “oops this isn’t a
good feeling… Im getting older….waaaaahhh” and i
thought to myself, indeed this is unstoppable, next
year ill be 23 and then 24 and then 25 before i
knew it id be 40 and oh damn that would be
horrible…. real life begins at it…

then i suddenly made a side turn and faced the
wall (where my bed is adjacent to) and said “Oh
yeah il be 22, and il be young at heart still…”

im trying to figure out what point i was trying to
squeeze out of this bulletin i am posting(oh well
congratulate me this is my first time to write in the
bulletin hahahah!!!) … here then i thought, we really
kept on rushing at life not realizing it is running
faster than how we thought it is… it is even rushing
things quicker than we complain… all the while we
thought life is damned slow… and when we finally
realize it someday, o god, time seemed to have
just blew under my nose and i am 40…

and then i realized, why not savor every bit of my
22nd… and savor more every bit of my 23rd and so
on… every moment is as precious as breathing
fresh air… spend it well, live it well… coz they
never come back… NEVER!!!! Seize each day as if
it is the last…. yes, love like there is no
tomorrow… smile like there is no end… by then we
will realize there is nothing most important in this
world but loving and being loved…

my 21st has already gone by… and it was fast…
really fast… it seemed wasn’t long when i
remembered the first day of school at kindergarten,
and the first time i pooped on my pants wen i was
at preparatory (damn this is humiliating hahahah)…
and now im 22… but hey i enjoyed the 21 years
way back… i loved and i was loved… i had a great
time… i had fallen hard and fallen worst, even fallen
out of love and had fallen off love… it was a
rollercoaster and i know there are more to come…