wumingxing

The heart now decides to scribble its words…

I’ve always felt i have been staring at everything and at everyone that passes by - everything joyful, candid, victorious, sorrowful and painful with mixed emotions which consequently caused my current path to be out of the road lines, away from the street signs and apart from the should-be direction. It’s not the guided path i ones followed, but i walk forward anyway… it’s not the usual line i follow, but i keep on making big dozen steps everytime over again… it’s not the usual me and i do not see anything from the outset but i keep on staring at the blank space ahead of me while steadily, not even carefully, walking.

I have always known what i have been here for until now when the road is too hazy that i see each crooked detail in a blur, i am not even sure if it is the road i used to walk anymore… somewhere i lost something in me that i even forgot what it was… and now my senses are at its weakest and my heart at its strongest that i just see, smell, hear, feel, even taste everything that passes by in complete blandness…

the sight of the sunrise,

the majesty of the sunset,

the amazing rainbow after every rain,

the sight of the kids playing under the rain

the soul in two hands together strolling in the park

the magic in the kisses of a child

the kick of the musk of a passerby

or the aroma of the pesto from a pasta store

even the soft whispers of goodmorning

and the silent eyes saying thank you

the sound of the rustling leaves

and the music in the droplets of rain,

the blow of breath in the ears

or the sight of the smile that makes your whole day…

even just the taste of the bitter-sweet espresso

or the sound of morning maya’s hovering the window panes…

Suddenly i feel i am blown freely and aimlessly by whatever drives me through without any logical thinking of my own… i blend seamlessly with every shock, with every bliss, with every sweetness and with every pain… i fall as i am pushed, i rise as i am pulled or the other way around…

I project a face as molded by the circumstance and not as felt by my soul… i stay awake as wanted by my mind and don’t sleep as needed by my heart… i walk the path as told and not as willed by my freedom…

I kept on waiting for the clouds to clear and grew so afraid of what lurks behind its darkness… i kept on waiting for something i am not sure to come and waited even harder for something i am not really if i really intend to be waiting for… i searched and am still, for something i am not really sure what or who or where, when, why or how… being just sure that yes, i am searching…

Everything that passes through me have been felt… i even bring them in dreams… i took all in and the cup is full… it kept overflowing but the heart doesn’t mind the overflow… it bleeds but it feels no pain… it tears but feels no sorrow…

I do not call it numbness… not at all death… just a state that nobody, not even myself, comprehends… seems to be a void that no matter can fill in or “fit in” as yet… seems like a blank white space without boundaries nothing can fathom its vastness or depth… 

seems like the wind, that nobody can hold, but can actually feel…

The heart now scribbles its words into the swiftness of the wind nobody can hold and only i can feel…

It is a list i have had for myself before i turn page 24. Next is page 25 and it signals another Chapter i guess. I am hoping hard to have them all before the very day. I wouldn’t mind having almost all of them on the very day itself either. And so i scribbled 25 ambitious line items before my big silver anniversary. Actually to be honest, there are no big deals if i cannot get them (receive them) all of them, but i guess it makes a heart lighter knowing that at least for ones, concretely all your wishes came true.

And so here it goes, my top 25, before my 25th.

1) Go to Spa and spend 4 hours there

2) Catch the sunset Raw

3) Write a quarter-life Journal

4) Finish reading a book

5) Star-gaze on a field

6) Meet the Sunrise

7) Eat Brooklyn’s Pizza 4-Cheese

8.) Watch the latest Harry Potter installment

9)  Draw / Sketch something

10) Visit Benedictine Abbey at Mendiola

11) Eat buffet ONES

12) Own a black CAP from OXYGEN

13) Own a SILVER or GOLD Necklace

14) Try IMAX (for the first time whaheheh)

15) Buy new Shoes

16) Eat Dulgie’s Cake (if possible, Banana-Strawberry)

17) Eat at BANAPLE Katipunan

18) Break Savings Jar and deposit to Savings Account

19) Buy New Jacket

20) Clean-up Room

21) Own a Brushed Dark Gray T-Shirt

22) Eat at AMICI

23) Reach 6-digits for Savings

24) Own my FIRST BLACK CAR

25) Fall in LOVE again!!!

Wishing myself the best!!!

It’s a battle cry of a poor, unreasonable judgment. It is a shallow-minded turn, a twist of crooked fate, a hard dubious stumble, a calling without any name, an inconvenient declaration of ignorance and in street parlance, dumbness; it is a testimonial of deliberate mischief and an impartial prosecution to self damnation.

By all means I have been trying to correct some twisted philosophy. The entire time I ironically ignore my mind. And so how do you call that? Irony or Stupidity? Pretty much like some sort of arrogance to admit that I am not in deep shit, I swallow (no, not the shit of course) every bit of pride making all valid excuse to justify that what I am doing is philosophical and therefore, logically sensible (I am ignoring the mind all these time remember). And so I go on blabber each and every time, never getting tired of correcting a twisted truth and a twisted mistake (by that I mean, a mistake which is in many ways painfully correct but clearly wrong).

And so every time I wake up all I think about is how to get through everything by putting some full attention to some sort of miserable diversion. This is so as not to run over or look back on some of those twisted philosophy I live by everyday but, with all conviction, I deny my acquaintance with. Put it this way, I clearly understand but I do not think at all so que sera sera. I hate being good but I can’t help it. I want to get mad but I look pitiful when mad so I resort to acting foolish so I look like one. Maybe a foolish is better than a dumb pitiful “loser” image. I want to go on but the feet is dragging. And after all the ironies, by the and of the day I always end up que sera sera.

It’s a battle cry of a poor, unreasonable judgment. For a shallow-minded reason that a crooked fate, a hard dubious stumble and a call-out without any name be a wonderful inconvenience to just be simply happy, though painfully, then it must be the best testimonial to a brave heart. My self-annoyance is definitely one hell annoying. I don’t like it but I am it, so be it.

Here i am again staring ablank at my monitor… with a lot of things to write but with thoughts so dry i run out of words to speak. Music has been my means to unload the baggages that consumes me physically. mentally, emotionally and psychologically lately. The anxiety never failed. It really ate up most of me. Except for the daily routine i do like waking up, sleeping, taking bath, brushing teeth and going to work, everything else turned upside down and no other way but down down down and down… As i begin to scribble these words, music fills my head. Seemingly it is my stimulant or shall we say my tranquilizer too… when they play, i go high, and i go low too… but they are bringing me back to balance… they keep me company… and they do me well… And as every waking up becomes my dosage of poison everyday, sometimes killing me, sometimes bringing me to life, i got hooked to one song which served as my remedy!!!

The REMEDY

Jason Mraz

Well I saw fireworks from the freeway
And behind closed eyes I cannot make them go away
‘Cause you were born on the fourth of july, freedom ring
Now something on the surface it stings
I said something on the surface
Really kind of makes me nervous
Who says that you deserve this
And what kind of god would serve this?
We will cure this dirty old disease
Well if you gots the poison, I’ve gots the remedy

The remedy is the experience,
It is a dangerous liaison
I say the comedy, is that it’s serious.
This is a strange enough new play on words
And the tragedy is how you’re gonna spend,
The rest of your life with the light on
So shine the light on all of your friends
When it all amounts to nothing in the end.

I won’t worry my life away. [2x]

Well, I heard two men talking on the radio
In a cross fire kind of new reality show
Uncovering the ways to plan the next big attack
Where they were counting down the ways to stab
The brother in the be right back after this
The unavoidable kiss, with the minty fresh
Death breath sure to outlast this catastrophe
Dance with me,
‘Cause if you got the poison,
I’ve gots the remedy

The remedy is the experience,
This is a dangerous liaison
I say the comedy, is that it’s serious.
This is a strange enough new play on words
I say the tragedy is how you’re gonna spend,
The rest of your nights with the light on
So shine the light on all of your friends
When it all amounts to nothing in the end.

I won’t worry my life away. [2x]

When I fall in love,
I take my time
There’s no need to hurry when I’m making up my mind
You can turn off the sun,
but I’m still gonna shine and I’ll tell you why…

Because

The remedy is the experience,
This is a dangerous liaison
I say the comedy, is that it’s serious.
This is a strange enough new play on words
I say the tragedy is how you’re gonna spend,
The rest of your nights with the light on
So shine the light on all of your friends
WWell I saw fireworks from the freeway
And behind closed eyes I cannot make them go away
‘Cause you were born on the fourth of july, freedom ring
Now something on the surface it stings
I said something on the surface
Really kind of makes me nervous
Who says that you deserve this
And what kind of god would serve this?
We will cure this dirty old disease
Well if you gots the poison, I’ve gots the remedy

The remedy is the experience,
It is a dangerous liaison
I say the comedy, is that it’s serious.
This is a strange enough new play on words
And the tragedy is how you’re gonna spend,
The rest of your life with the light on
So shine the light on all of your friends
When it all amounts to nothing in the end.

I won’t worry my life away. [2x]

Well, I heard two men talking on the radio
In a cross fire kind of new reality show
Uncovering the ways to plan the next big attack
Where they were counting down the ways to stab
The brother in the be right back after this
The unavoidable kiss, with the minty fresh
Death breath sure to outlast this catastrophe
Dance with me,
‘Cause if you got the poison,
I’ve gots the remedy

The remedy is the experience,
This is a dangerous liaison
I say the comedy, is that it’s serious.
This is a strange enough new play on words
I say the tragedy is how you’re gonna spend,
The rest of your nights with the light on
So shine the light on all of your friends
When it all amounts to nothing in the end.

I won’t worry my life away. [2x]

When I fall in love,
I take my time
There’s no need to hurry when I’m making up my mind
You can turn off the sun,
but I’m still gonna shine and I’ll tell you why…

Because

The remedy is the experience,
This is a dangerous liaison
I say the comedy, is that it’s serious.
This is a strange enough new play on words
I say the tragedy is how you’re gonna spend,
The rest of your nights with the light on
So shine the light on all of your friends
When it all amounts to nothing in the end.

I won’t worry my life away…(’Cause I won’t and I won’t and I won’t worry my life away…)
hen it all amounts to nothing in the end.

I won’t worry my life away…(’Cause I won’t and I won’t and I won’t worry my life away…)

-0-

After all’s said and done, i ones again resign to the old ode which is: You’ll know what to do when the RIGHT TIME comes… You don’t have to know now!!!

I am out of words for now but i need to water the withering seeds of hope with any damp word to say, otherwise i am bound for a big bang!!! I have been starting to explode already for about a month now until i decided to give an attempt to make this heart speak through this song i kept on playing in my mind!!!

YOU & I BOTH

Was it you who spoke the words that things would happen but not to me?
Oh things are gonna happen naturally
Oh and taking your advice and I’m looking on the bright side
And balancing the whole thing
Oh but at often times those words get tangled up in lines
And the bright light turns to night
Oh until the dawn it brings
another day to sing about the magic that was you and me

Cause you and I both loved
What you and I spoke of
And others just read of
Others only read up of the love
oh the love that I love

See I’m all about them words
Over numbers, unencumbered numbered words
Hundreds of pages, pages, pages, for words
More words then I had ever heard
and I feel so alive

Cause you and I both loved
What you and I spoke of
And others just read of
And if you could see me now
Oh love,love,
you and I, you and I,
Not so little you and I anymore
And with this silence brings a moral story
more importantly evolving, is the glory of a boy

Cause you and I both loved
what you and I spoke of
and others just read of and if you could see now
well then I’m almost finally out of, finally, out of, finally,
well Im almost finally, finally, well I am free, Oh Im free

And it’s okay if you had go away
Oh just remember the telephones well they workin’ in both ways
but if I never, ever hear them ring
if nothing else I’ll think the bells inside
have finally found you someone else and that’s okay
cause I’ll remember everything you sang

Cuz you and I both loved what you and I spoke of
and others just read of and if you could see me now
well then I’m almost finally out of, finally out of
Finally de dedededede, well Im almost finally out of words…

I am beginning to resign to the fact that i am starting to finally have been losing things to say other than that five-letter word i have been constantly singing in sigh deep within and out loud for about a twelfth of the year!!!…

more frequently than not, it is more of a mixed emotion that everytime i have great fun, i always have to deal with something on the opposite direction… then i am torn.

it is nevertheless undeniable that my recent escape to the highlands was a blast. it is a combination of brand new experiences and reminiscing of familiar memories… and sometimes a reckoning of old time wishes you bet spending it with someone funny or someone wackily special… but going back to the world i am in, not trying to depart from the presence of at least equally good friends, i had fun and went wildly free to spend every minute worth the time and the company… and it was worth all the jump and the smile and the jokes and the ride and best of all, worth all the feasting for food.

on the other side of the fence is a crumbling chain and i am torn as to preserving the rusty breakage or celebrating the well polished brass… i am stolen from my bliss and i came to a second thought if everything is worth all the pain of the feeling of inadequacy despite the sharing and the giving of every single offering you can ever imagine… still i remain inadequate in those prying eyes!!!

in the highlands i hear whispers of thoughts which made me feel ease and free, comfortable and light… and with a drop of bitterness in the glass of wine, i guess solitude is inevitably the best therapy for recovery!!! for in the lowlands down south of my history was a fragile chain that never breaks but slowly rusts its way to tearing.

by the end of the winding road whichever is the direction, i shall find a safe place for a personal peace, i alone can see, i alone can hear and i alone can feel… by the end of the day, i rest my word into conclusion that a solitary way is as free as a soaring eagle way to the North!…

This was supposed to be a blog long long time ago. If it wasn’t for the busy schedule and for the workaholic drives, then i could have scribbled these thoughts off me into a blog back November.

I find it soothing to pour my thoughts out everytime i feel dead drunk of all worries and frustrations. And the groggy feeling is oftentimes so addicting it gets you off your balance. You say then "Darn, hangover!"

Most of the time, drinking lasts for months and it’s so temptingly pleasing you lose grip of time while wallowing over the disoriented unfortunate events. You sweep your ass all over the puke-covered floor asking the moon and the skies to watch over the stars that you ones gazed at every night, and even day. The tears are so alcholic and the bitterness of the denial you cannot express in lucid intervals were all given their own turns to speak out… and you puke their overwhelming reactions.

No one would understand the literature behind this kind of blog founded in wrath and desperation. But when you feel with me how my soul wanted to say the words in their "rawest" state, you would understand what my heart tells you to remember. Never give what you cannot swallow!

Their is never certain in Poetry. That’s why i love speaking through its tongues. It gives me a cushion to express the deepest thoughts i can imagine as i drink my own set of alcohol and batter my heart and brain off the scorching battles without so much hurt. Long time ago, i made myself drunk to endless, and the days after are dead sloppy, and groggy, and sleepy, and greatest of all, crooked. But as i pick-up the pieces of the broken glasses scattered over the floor; as i walk barefoot skimming over the room; as i try to find the cold bath to cool me down, i surprisingly realized that i scratched my feet with the broken glasses, and they bleed profusely insanely mad! Darned, this hang-over, i had too much!

When poetry speaks, it is always uncertain. I would respect your version. And i have mine to hide. Never have i been literally drunk because, i can’t. But ones upon a time, one glass was offered to my heart and mind, and i took them in through a straw, soury sweet, sparkling and warm. Before the Night ends, i had 68. And the sun rose, the night came, the dawn breaks all over and over and over again. It’s a headache.

But one day, i realized that finally it’s over, i took my daily bath, my hearty meal and walked back brisk and strong. I am finally Hang-over Free. As my poetry speaks its end, i bow, you call the shots in your puny playful mind. Care for a toast?

Many a times we play by the games of the heart where we are torn between one firm urge of decision and the risk that where you are heading yourself towrds to is a place of confusion and anxiety… that specific instance when everything inside you is "centrifugally" right and swift but everything around you is in chaos and grief… it is a hearty crunch and you never knew you bleed… punch me again, slap me i bleed man…

When the heart goes berserk because all the oasis turned to mess.. because it is always difficult to tame a mad soul especially when the madness was caused by the breakage of the human glass… because all it ever wanted is to show what is kept in its locket for years… because the spirit he decides to finally set free was ones again suppressed… because all that he sees right turns out to be wrong… and because the wait is excruciating when the light finally came, it came with its doors locked and shivering… and the heart needs to wait for the turmoil to subside… beacause it is drowning… Punch me, slap me i bleed man…

When the body simply scorns the spirit of the red bottle… and there is none to cushion the damned heavy fall… when the darkness is too blinding and the silence so deafening … and there is loneliness amidst the crowd… the heart lies down on the pillow in grief and in strife… in deep question and in deep confusion… the bottle can do nothing but stare and give a pickled smile… and the tears overflow from the glass meant to be broken… punch me all over again, hit me i bleed man!!!…

For the hearts eyes is stapled to the memoirs of the sweet history and the mind bares much hope to undeerstand the battle in the skies… for the war is never done and i’ll never know its end unless in vain there shall be waiting… if the heavens have to wail and the stars have to sulk in shivers of the biting cold night… punch me, hit me, slap me, I bleed man… I bleed!!!

Oh well you go front then back, like pursuing it then backing out, like you ought to go straight but you chose to retreat, like you liked to move forward, but you realized backwards could be better…

Cha Cha… dance to the beat… Cha cha cha… groove to the music…

Many a times i always wanted to go but on the last minute decided to stop… Many a times i wanted to make moves i really wanted long before but a thin strand of doubt spoils the excitement and i lose the urge… Sometimes i can explain the reasons but most of the time i am left startled, staring slightly boggled and slightly amazed by how i react to things at eyes’ blink… i would second the reactions with sometimes regret but oftentimes joy… remember when you have had moments that you loved what you see, what you hear, what you feel, what you think, and everything turns from noise to a complete music on the 9th symphony, yet soon, they turn into awkward moments, and you fell silent, thinking over how and why and when it went wrong… or did you just wake up on the wrong side of the bed, or is it just a mood swing, or a plurge of pissed ego?… but why when you woke up the next day and the day after next, you still feel heavy with absurdity… is everything ok? you ones were brisk, climbing the wall, ones enthusiastic running the race, ones positive going and moving forward… and by just a plagued wink and a spoiled smile, or just a misunderstood fame, everything sweet went sour?… did you remember the feelings?

Cha… cha cha… cha cha cha cha !!! off and back, move and sway, dance to the beat of confusion… when everything is about to play with certainty, i dance to the beat of the drum… and i sway off… then back.. Cha cha cha cha cha….

Did you remember ones you also did?… Cha cha cha cha cha cha cha..!!! I speak because i do… so i dance… and sing…

Cha Cha Cha!!!

There is a lot of triviality in the What’s, Where’s, When’s and Why’s. All the more that there is trivial "scare" in the How’s.

You might not get my point until you ask. See, questions are not just questions per se (words and curiousity or plain "for-piss-off." but there is more to simply just asking questions especially when the delivery comes verbal. The invisible activity in asking questions are most of the time neglected. What i mean is that, is it not that many people find it really difficult to ask? Most especially when the word they are to use is How? Or perhaps seconding it is the word Why? Maybe because when those are used for asking, it implies a deal of inferiority. We have to admit sometimes that subconsiously we hesitate to ask question because we are ashamed to know the fact that we know less. Its a submerged psychological thing.

It is always a denial in my part that i need to ask why or how. A denial that ends up denying what one feels… and topping the bottomless end, ending down to asking yourself… its a submered psychological mystery… in many ways it makes one feel drowned, taking the flow down the drain and swallowed by the illusion that everything is alright and will be ok… and they keep on coming back.

In as much as we would like to make everything appear fine and answered, solved and relieved…. the day ends with tears… as it rains…

…and i would ask how? why?…